Situation guide
How to respond to a performance review you did not expect
It is your performance review. Your manager has been warm for ten minutes. Then they say:
“You performed well on your goals, but you need to work on your leadership behaviors.”
You have about two seconds before you answer.
What usually fills the two seconds
Most of us react in one of two ways: by proving it, or by going quiet.
- Listing what you accomplished: programs, projects, or products you led, and their outcomes. “I accomplished X. I also did Y.”
- Going quiet and nodding while a label settles in: so, I am not the best.
Each one protects something. None of them asks what was meant by leadership behaviors, which is the part you were just asked to work on.
What to say instead
“Can you give me one example I can work with?”
Use your own words. The point is to stay in the conversation and ask for something specific enough to act on. If a label starts to form while you listen, say silently: not this.
After the meeting
Neti Neti
The Pause of Not This
Write the label your mind attached, then cross it out. Write what actually happened in one plain sentence: my goals are on track, and my manager wants different leadership behaviors. About two minutes.
Pratipaksha Bhavana
Cultivating the Opposite
If the inner critic keeps going, name what is present in one sentence, then find something that is also true right now and that you can stand behind. It is not a way of letting yourself off the hook.
Also fits, opens with Your Practice
These open when you unlock Your Practice.
Prana Sakshi
Pure Breath Witnessing
For the minutes right after, before you have to be present for the next thing: watch the breath without changing it. Nothing about how you look changes, so it works even if the next meeting starts straight away.
Ujjayi
The Victorious Breath
If the meeting leaves you wound up, somewhere private afterward: a slow breath through the nose with a soft sound at the back of the throat, which gives an agitated mind something to follow. About two minutes.
Bhramari
The Humming Breath
For the evening when one sentence from the review will not stop turning over: a slow breath in, then a low hum on the exhale until the breath is done. The hum tends to crowd out mental noise. About two minutes.
Be ready for the next conversation
Meet the Moment: When You’re the One Getting Feedback
Critical feedback is hard to take in. Before your next review, have a question and a response ready.
This scenario starts with what to ask yourself before you respond: Am I about to defend myself, or take this in? Then a short script to adapt, what to say if they push back, and space to write the words in your own voice.
Afterward, write how it landed, so you have your own notes to read instead of your memory of it.
Review still ahead? How to prepare for a performance review you are dreading
About Dhyanved
Dhyanved helps corporate leaders build the attention and clarity that hard moments ask for.